i should have been a cheerleader!

A lot of times that I've been battling with my regret and I'm trying hard to forget it. So many "what if's" and "I should've done this if..." statements are formulating in my head this morning while I was riding the van during our community exposure. Groggy and forced to have this ride, I rested my eyes and reflected with my could-have-been moments in school.

When I entered college, I have a goal of making my name known or at least be read in the publication. I wanted to show off that I have talents, too.This pushed me to join CLARION along with my long-term friend, Pam. Check! Now you can read my name in DDC's CLARION magazine.

My regret started this year. The recent foundation day got me choked up seeing my fellow buddies dancing to the beat while flaunting their dance moves in cheer dance. They are the CHAMPION... and so my thought said, "what if I joined the audition? I'm sure I could pass it." This compunction is one big deal for me in some sense. First, I'm in my last year of my study. Next, I will never, EVER be able to perform in front of students with their yells and cheers with optimism and enthusiasm. Because I am a student nurse, I am busy studying (ahem!) and complying with our requirements.Lastly, this thought is FRUSTRATING!

I regret because I was opposed by Fear. Fear that my lola will be mad because I joined such activity. Fear that my grades will be affected because of this activity. Fear that people (especially my beau) will laugh at me. Fear that I may disappoint the team if we lose.

Frustrating-- because, I am on my mindset that I'm no longer a high school student who needs lots of extra-curriculum activities in order to be an honor student (though i failed to become one on the finals). Because, they said this is a waste of time. Because they are teasing me with my physique, telling me that I can't dance 'cause i can't carry my own body (hey! that was insulting; and i heard this statement from my lola... :( sad)

I don't know, but I think I am mad about this... I felt annoyance to my family and friends (except for those who encouraged me to join... they were outnumbered by the opposition, sorry :c ) who laughed at me when I said I wanted to join the team. It irked me when my beau wasn't willing to support me. I envied that chubbier girl who made it in the squad. In fairness, she dances well. Who knows, I could've danced better.

On the second thought, I sometimes wish I could go back to high school where my passion loves me, too.