I HATE YOU DEAN'S SECRETARY!!!!

I HATE YOU TO DEATH!!!! YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I ALMOST BROKE UP WITH MY BEAU AND THE SOLE REASON WHY WE DIDN'T GET THE CHANCE TO CELEBRATE OUR 3RD ANNIVERSARY TODAY!!!!!
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!!!
and oh...

GHED IM SO ANGRY!!!!

daily letter (day 10)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Ex-friend,

It was summer 2 years ago when we became classmates and eventually became a very good and close friends. You have been so nice and kind to me. You have that captivating face and friendly aura that makes other girls fall for you. We were close for a week that we were almost inseparable. We shared secrets and experiences in love and we even have a secret handshake. And you know what? I think you purposely made every girl in our room fall for you. What a sneaky hidden agenda. I'm just happy that my boyfriend loves me so much that I can't let go of him, I didn't fall for your rubbish scheme.

But tell me, what really happened? I was waiting for you to talk to me first. But there's no more chance anymore. And I'm not hoping to be friends with you again. Thanks for the time before.

angel

daily letter (day 5)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Dreams,

You sometimes scare me at night making me wish I don't wanna go back to sleep again. But then I need you to free myself from fears I imagined in the real world. There are times that you make me hungry making me wish you are for real. And there are times that you make me "kilig" especially when Hollywood celebrities visit me and my Cawi snuggle me making me wish I could sleep forever with a dream like that. 

But my dear dream, you know how much I wanted to become my dream role in society. I know this sounds silly, but I really wanted to become a CELEBRITY! I wanna hang-out with the public figures, getting sponsors from and/

or become one of the model of 

 famous clothing lines, receive projects and getting paid for my talent, endorse products, being taken care of the prominent stylists and dermatologists. And then, I can help, not only to my family, but also to those poverty-stricken people.

I know this sounds too much. But there's no harm in dreaming, right? It's just a dream. But there is still a 50-50 chance that this might come true. Yes, it does. Because Cawi was once a dream before we met. He came into reality and I love him and still loving him because he's for real.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to keep on dreaming.

Goodnight,

Angel

I thought I could curse my course... but nevermind

It's so frustrating to see how we suffered from financial instability. And no matter how noble my course is; and no matter how high my future employees would pay me in my future job, I still feel helpless. I can't stand hearing them complaining where did our monthly allowance go. Receiving roughly 20K per month with 2-5 persons in this household isn't enough. For my lola alone, we have to spend for her check-ups, pricey medications and laboratory tests, and for us, the groceries and other miscellaneous. These are crucial things. And it's becoming more difficult now that we pawned most of our jewelries and they are pending to be redeemed or renewed this month. Plus me, I have to prepare for a costly printings on my exhibit forms as I UN-enthusiastically prepare for the upcoming review for our PNL Exam on December. At one moment, I feel like I really want to give up. 'Cause if I could, I would have just stop pursuing this rubbish preparations and get myself a job. I want to earn and then enroll myself in a course that I've been dying to take when I was in high school. It is my frustration now. But then I always end up blaming myself for being too obedient to them that I gave up my dream and my brilliant plan (that's what I thought before). Nevertheless, I also blame them for setting such high expectations even I couldn't imagine if I can make it. I suck at making decisions for myself, that's why they just boss me around, dictating me to do this and that. They even want to rule my own happiness. I mean, kulang nalang sila ang maghahanap ng mapapangasawa ko. I don't want that to happen. I'm so happy with my partner now.And so, now that I'm unemployed, unhappy with what's happening in our lives, and almost in the verge of giving up, how can they patch it up and make me happy again? [minus the lovelife. I'm in charge with my lovelife]. I can't just live with their promises that being a nurse (someday) would make me happy. Do you think that filling up a patient's chart, preparing meds, and doing nursing procedure makes me the happiest person on earth? I may be satisfied, but not happy. I could give them a happy and wealthy life without making myself suffer. *i think i just stabbed myself* *dropsdead*

I want Mass Communication. If only I had taken it before, I don't have to do loads of typing stuff, chasing clinical instructors, queuing in offices, traveling to provincial hospital just for an effin' signature and when you get back in the city, you realized you put the dot (.) in wrong places and have it edited and reprinted, then getting reprimands from the dean. In Mass Comm., after graduating, all you have to do is prepare to claim your transcript of records and authenticated diploma, prepare loads of resume and GET A JOB!!!!

*SLAPS MYSELF*

F yeah reasons why I need it badly!

*keeping my composure*

OK, so I was just reprimanded by my lola because I'm watching movies on PC. Well, don't blame me; blame technology because they're too brilliant to enable DVD players on computers.

I need my own computer because:

1. I want to be the sole owner of my effin' computer.
2. I need privacy.
3. I hate nosey people coming around me checkin' on what I'm doing.
4. this is the only thing I can use to watch movies and net surfing at the same time aside from iPad (which I don't have as of the moment)
5. I actually want laptop but rather choose the cheaper one (it depends)
6. I'm so sick of promises that someone's gonna buy me a pc or laptop. I'd rather buy them on my own.
7. I get tired waiting for my turn when my cousins are using it. One cousin plays online games and the other one usually works on his manuscripts and silly oldie hollywood crap.
8. JUST BECAUSE!

Donations are very much welcome. :D

MAY 10, 2010

This is the most anticipated date of the candidates for the election. I'm a first-time voter. Over the months they've been campaigning, I was also criticizing their campaign ads on how they annoyingly ruin my couch potato moments. You can hear their jingles everywhere in this town. And banners are hanging from one post to another.  And now, the streets are peaceful. The posters were slowly ripped off by the rain and wind (that's good). And I just woke up early this morning, and they handed me this: 

Vote buying, my friends. As a first-time voter, I experienced this; the very least thing I expected. So, that's how desperate our candidates are. My vote was PRICED! If I weren't broke today, I would've given it to someone else. OK, OK... I'm being plastic. I'm really broke and I need money to buy sanitary napkin. That's it. And since I left the house with an empty stomach, I bought few snacks in the sari-sari store. (Geez! While I was typing this sentence, I am feeling guilty because I was using the dirty money *sad*). Then, I reviewed the list of my candidates, getting ready to head off to my precinct in a school nearby. 

Well, I was greeted by the wet road. And as I was approaching the school, two guys gave me flyers. It was kinda annoying because it was such a waste of paper. And what do they expect of me to do with those? Me, will throw them all to the bin? Anyway, moving on. So I reached the school gate packed with voters searching for their names on their precincts. Me, so ignorant, don't really know what to do. So I just sat down, waiting for my cousin's cue. Then so much blahblahblah's happened. When my cousin told me to line up, I asked help from the personnel so I will know where's the end of the line. So there, I lined up and people were pushing other people who were already in line. Then there's this annoying manong who cut the line. I was really pissed off. Because when the line was half way towards the door, si manong sumingit, at marami nang sumunod!!! The last time I glanced at him, he was like 5-7 persons away from me. And when he cut the line, he was already 2 persons ahead of me. 

"'Yang naka-stripe! "Yan 'yung manong na sumingit sa pila. Nainis ako sa kanya kaya piniktyuran ko nalang sya. Bad trip, eh!"

After waiting for my turn, I signed my biometric info and got my ballot. Shaded the "bilog na may hugis itlog" beside the candidates' names. Submitted my ballot to the PCOS machine who ate my vote (hehe, just kiddin'), and a man put indelible ink on my forefinger. 

vain voter

And there I am, boasting that purple finger.

And oh, *tummy grumbles*, i forgot to eat my lunch.

ciao

job interview messed up

Interviewer: Ok, Miss Doby, there is only one rule in this interview. You have to speak in english all throughout this interview.
Me: Alrght, sir.

That was the second line I heard from our interviewer in Meno Gaia after I greeted him a good afternoon. Cool voice and awesome accent, I got nervous that I might stutter and give him a dead air in between my sentences. OMG! Why can't I be talkative? I hate my silent-type alter ego. Why can't I be as talkative as in writing?!

And so, the interview went on. We reviewed some points in English subject: the parts of speech, subject-verb agreement, verb tenses and definition of terms. We also did a one-line translation from Visaya to English and some identification.

Then, the most critical question in interview (I think) is when the interviewer asked me that "tell me about yourself" question, "how did you know that this company is hiring?", and other interview questions I read in the internet.

And I finally went through unscathed. Though some of the questions were answered wrongly, I think I can pass the interview. Though I stuttered a bit and said "aah's" and "uhm's", I think I constructed the sentences correctly. And though I looked so tensed yesterday, I somehow put on my charm while holding my hands tightly, hoping I can make it :D

After the interview session, along with Mathew and Lea, we went straight to G.Mall to relieve our stress with pizza from Greenwich and some cute service crews *u*

P.S. Thanks to Mathew for this sweet treat :D

OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED

You read and saw it right. I just graduated from that school. 

The commencement exercise was held in Central Bank of the Philippines, Davao City

I, Doby Angela Torres, a graduate from Davao Doctors College with the degree of Bachelor of Science in Nursing, hereby announce in the blogosphere that I am officially unemployed. I will definitely find time to work on my exhibit forms and try my best to pass the board exam this coming December, 2010. Once I endured it, I promise myself to find a hospital which upholds the ideal standards of the nursing procedure so as not to spoil whatever was learned during the college days. I will also consider the salary, of course.

The atmosphere is filled with mixed emotions. Bliss. Anxiety. Disappointment. Euphoria. Nostalgia. Fear. You mention it, we felt it.

If you ask me how's it going? I tell you, it's not that exciting. Why? Here's a short list:

1. I'm no longer a student. That means, me no longer have to go to school. That means, me no longer have allowance :((
2. I'm no longer a student. And that also means, I have no more direct access to Clarion office. Keys will be surrendered to the SPS office... BOO!!!
3. I'm neither a student nor an employee/employer.
4. My beau will go back to the boondocks a day after this event. And he will come back not so soon enough.
5. I seemed to be more pressured than before. They put on higher expectations on me.
6. Everything is different right now. 

See. Graduating really is not the end. It is the start of my calvary.

i have a secret

And it's not a secret anymore.

Sometimes I really wish I am insane right now. I particularly needed the disorder of an anorexic.

Yes, friends... I wanna be anorexic.

And I want it to happen right now.

 photo from here

I've been worrying on how I am gaining weight every day. I'm planning on a diet but it doesn't work cuz my lola cooks so good it's hard for me to resist to want more. When in school, I can't maintain the diet because I think I'm too stressed out to eat less. I've been wondering why some people who gobble large piles of food than mine still remain their figure? I know it's because how fast their metabolisms work, but why not mine? Why can't my metabolism work as normal as theirs?

I envy those girls who can wear any dress and fits them just right. My friends/classmates where sort of chubby but their boobs looks larger than their tummies which gave them a slender look.

During lunchtime just this afternoon, I was thinking to hate the food so as not to eat it. But it's a sin to hate food. So I ate it instead *silly me*.

SO here's the plan:
a. Be anorexic and go for the desired waistline and weight.
b. After reaching the goal, go eat lots of fruits for maintenance. and oh, don't forget the veggies. *yech*

AUGH! THIS IS SO PATHETIC!!!

Another option: slimming capsules. and enroll myself to aerobics class. *pricey*

little letters for the bunch of users

I'm making this post out of impulse and disappointment. After days and more days of pressure for compiling my certificates of attendance and appreciation for several  seminars I had attended in and out of school, I received an unfair share of reward.

Dear guy who got it all:

Congratulations! (*flashing a sarcastic smile*)
Tell me I'm being too self-absorbed or too selfish, but I was the one who made most of the efforts to give you certifications you needed for you to have that piece of scented paper and a junked medal. In fact you barely knew what were those stuff I contributed until I told you one day. But I'm not holding any grudges to you now.

Dear Sir who inconsistently-supporting-personnel-who-boasts-his-name-on-a-mere-green-plastic-board,

I don't think you deserve to be the head of that department when you don't know how to define CLEAR MECHANICS and not even supporting us with our needs. Hey! we're students too. I wonder why you came back to being an arrogant sloth.

Dear Ma'am-I-should-have-been-selfish-not-to-share-my-certifications-with-you,

I guess it's my fault after all because I thought I could help your "son". And indeed, i just did help him. Boohoo to me :(( Just because you're his mom and you have one of the highest ranked job in this school, it doesn't mean you have to do everything, even delegating the things to me that your "son" is suppose to do.

Dear disappointment,

nakarami kana ngayong araw ha. I've had enough of you. If only you were concrete, I would have mocked you.

Dear users,

stop using people... they're not things.


still grudging on you until tomorrow,

doby >:[

i hate this part right here

 

image from here

I hate endings, especially when the sem is about to end. Why? Because it is the season where almost all of my things get lost and/ or damaged. How'd you like that? I don't know if i'm being careless or  those things just got their brains and walk away. What irritates me more is when that something is just borrowed. really. I can't handle things like this anymore. I want to give up and wish those weren't really lost; they;re just misplaced and then i can find them on the next hour.

I'm calling out to gods and goddesses of the lost things to return them to me. I NEED IT BADLY!!!

i should have been a cheerleader!

A lot of times that I've been battling with my regret and I'm trying hard to forget it. So many "what if's" and "I should've done this if..." statements are formulating in my head this morning while I was riding the van during our community exposure. Groggy and forced to have this ride, I rested my eyes and reflected with my could-have-been moments in school.

When I entered college, I have a goal of making my name known or at least be read in the publication. I wanted to show off that I have talents, too.This pushed me to join CLARION along with my long-term friend, Pam. Check! Now you can read my name in DDC's CLARION magazine.

My regret started this year. The recent foundation day got me choked up seeing my fellow buddies dancing to the beat while flaunting their dance moves in cheer dance. They are the CHAMPION... and so my thought said, "what if I joined the audition? I'm sure I could pass it." This compunction is one big deal for me in some sense. First, I'm in my last year of my study. Next, I will never, EVER be able to perform in front of students with their yells and cheers with optimism and enthusiasm. Because I am a student nurse, I am busy studying (ahem!) and complying with our requirements.Lastly, this thought is FRUSTRATING!

I regret because I was opposed by Fear. Fear that my lola will be mad because I joined such activity. Fear that my grades will be affected because of this activity. Fear that people (especially my beau) will laugh at me. Fear that I may disappoint the team if we lose.

Frustrating-- because, I am on my mindset that I'm no longer a high school student who needs lots of extra-curriculum activities in order to be an honor student (though i failed to become one on the finals). Because, they said this is a waste of time. Because they are teasing me with my physique, telling me that I can't dance 'cause i can't carry my own body (hey! that was insulting; and i heard this statement from my lola... :( sad)

I don't know, but I think I am mad about this... I felt annoyance to my family and friends (except for those who encouraged me to join... they were outnumbered by the opposition, sorry :c ) who laughed at me when I said I wanted to join the team. It irked me when my beau wasn't willing to support me. I envied that chubbier girl who made it in the squad. In fairness, she dances well. Who knows, I could've danced better.

On the second thought, I sometimes wish I could go back to high school where my passion loves me, too.

after the hugs and kisses...

we fought...

and i chased after him...


then eventually made-up...

yet i'm uncertain...as always...

i'm a chick-en

so sir tambis favored me to take shots during the baccalaureate mass of the hours-from-now graduates. i can take pictures of them from anywhere except it is a Holy Mass where solemnity should be observed. i was afraid that maybe one of the instructors or whoever powerful may reprimand me for taking pictures while the mass is going on. another thing is that the battery is low before they handed it to me. that may be a good excuse to get out of the scene and stay inside the clarion office to charge the battery and update this blog. *whew*

so what i am trying to say is that you can ask me to take pictures of any occasion... "'wag lang sa misa". i pay respect to the priest and to those people who are sincere during the mass. there are only few of them who listens to the Word of God. let's give them a chance.

*to those who can read this, hope you understand. ^.^

growing older

this was me then...

this is me now... with CaBy
actually, i'm confused whether to be happy or not. i can't imagine i'm getting older and bigger (literally). why can't i just give my two years of age away and stop counting at 18? i asked myself, is getting older makes me happy? neh, it's up to them. all decisions are up to THEM. i'm twenty and growing, still i can't manage to decide for myself; cuz every time i do, i always end up a failure.

all my life i lived in this hosue for twenty years now and i did not get the chance to sneak out of here. i can only go out with my friends (for social whatever) for about... uhm... less than ten fingers on my hand. good thing there are some projects, manuscripts and errands to do at school where i can squeeze in my time to hang-out. it's like i'm getting older yet i don't have the freedom to be me. i just left my teenage years (an age with a -teen at the end of every number) and all i can say is that there's no ME. the only chance where i can be free is when i'm alone? i'm not sure but i think i am.
all i want is freedom (when you can do anything that makes you happy without breaking any rules and not hurting other's feelings... sounds difficult). good thing college isn't harsh to me when it comes to time...err, to spend it with my colleagues and pals.

i sent a text message to few of my friends who knew that it's my beedae today. and it went like this: "how am i supposed to celebrate this day when getting older is not enough to make me happy?" (spelings r n txt)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
some misfortunes just happened today, and it did't made my day:
> an unannounced transport strike, which paralyzed the public vehicles to take a trip.
> i left my pinkbook which left me no choice but to go back home and fetch it. i spent my baon for an airconditioned taxi. GED!
> as i left the house, no PUJ passed the street and the strikers were pissing me off. again, i have no choice but to ride a habal-habal (a motorcycle good for 2 persons only). i can see my lola's eyes widened when she saw me hopping on that vehicle. *peace*


anyway, there are reasons that made me smile today:
> i am cleared in all my balances in school *hurray!*
> my mom sent money for my make-up duties... *sorry, ma, but i really have to pressure you*
> cawi gave me a dozen of pink flowers (i love pink when it is given, not bought) and a bearhuggs (i named it CaBy, the one i was hugging in the picture). not much of the color, but i'm accidentally in love with green.

and by the way...happy birthday!

dalawang tulog

"what would happen after i blow the candle two days from now?"

i'm not ready yet. two days from now, i'm out of my teenage years. but i can't seem to satisfy myself with how i dealt with it when i started looking back since i started my age 19. i was deprived from having night life; i became innocent of what the usual teenagers do. i thought i knew it all; i was wrong (*sigh*). anyhow, i am happy i lived those teenage days not used to having vices. it's a pride for me :D .

so what did i do today?
>i had a make-up duty this morning which is a kill time for me.
>i search through the shelves of my memory where the hell i placed the action plan for that purchase... whatever (i still don't get what it's called *sorry*) for our school publication.
>i met cawi for a movie in his iPod (twilight is still a great, mushy, bone-tingling movie).
>we had a dinner meeting at mandarin with the rest of the Clarion staff for planning and everything.
>i bought my favorite 'apa' (it'd a crispy wafer) along the street. *sweet!*
>i just went home tired.
>i run through my books, turning them upside down and finally found the action plan i mentioned early.

what do i really want to do today?
>pay the charges at the accounting office.
>have a coffee with cawi (but he loathes coffee):
>let the CI's sign my procrastinating rotation clearance.
>watch lots of movie in cawi's iPod.
>rather sleep in the clarion office or beside cawi.
>shop
>search for an orthodontic for my teeth repair.
>attend an aerobic session
>get a new hairdo.
>make this day a stress-free day.

so what now?

... what now is...
every day, i'm taking a one step closer to the brink where i have no choice but to become 20...
i don't know what's in store for me.
i don't know what i am capable to do on that day
i don't know what others would say when they know i'm 20.
i don't know... i really have no idea.

can i just change the day of my birthday?

Ignoring

i used to ignore this feeling
believing it's all in my head
you gave me something
that made me doubt me in keeping it.
you had me faltered
we were quixotically engaged
i'm running in circles
looking for an escape
i can't help myself from missing you
though you caused me pain
all my aches and screams turned to sigh
and all my laughter stopped as i began to cry
how i wish forgetting you
is as easy as how you entered my life.

By Means Of/ Nothing

i've been thinking about my life with or without you.
i've been sorting myself where would i be with or without you.
i've been reviewing my life since the day i'm with and without you.
i've been living my life with and without you.
i've been happy every time i'm with or without you.
i've been crying since the day i'm with and without you.
i've been losing my sleep since the day i'm with or without you.
i've been driving myself insane when i'm with or without you.
i've been dying since my life is living with or without you.
but if the life i live makes no sense whether i'm with or without you,
then i'd rather choose to live my life with you.